Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble It can be terrifying when you see a sudden change in your teen and don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, you may wonder: "What's normal?" "Am I making too much of this?" "Does she just want attention?" "Am I really the only parent who has a problem with this?" "Am I too hard on him?"The fact that you're asking these questions shows excellent parenting radar and a real concern for your child. While this list is not exhaustive, it's a solid start. It captures many of the problems I see come up in teen therapy. If any of the things listed below are happening with your kid, you're not making too much of it. It isn't about attention. You're right to be worried. Your child needs help, right away!Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble:1. Sudden negative change in peer group, friends they are not willing to introduce2. Social Isolation3. Bullying: either being the perpetrator or the victim of abuse is a concern and requires help.4. Self-harm: cutting, picking, burning, self-starvation, or high risk sexual behavior. If you notice a sudden dramatic weight loss, see any unexplained marks or scars, or if your child suddenly starts wearing long sleeves or more concealing clothing, look more closely. Ask questions. Get help!5. Any break-up with a best friend or first love that is being taken particularly hard: excessive crying, expressing feelings of hopelessness, or obsessive thinking, talking, or social media mentions about the loss are significant signs there's a problem.6. Substance abuse7. Falling or failing grades8. Dramatic change in appearance or lack of interest in basic grooming, extreme irritability or aggression, crying, expressing feelings of numbness and disconnection, change in appetite, or sleep pattern are all signs of DEPRESSION, and should be taken seriously.9. Lying or secretive behavior10. Expressing ANY thoughts of suicide: verbally, by gesture, or in writing The need for help is URGENT: if your teenager has a specific plan for how to commit suicide, access to the means of self-harm they describe, or an expression of intent to actually do it.If your kid starts giving away emotionally significant items, seem to be trying to tie up loose ends, or say "goodbye" to anyone, these are also RED FLAGS. If you see this behavior. or you have any doubts, get help immediately. Go to your nearest emergency room, call 911, or call the police Psychological Emergency Response Team (PERT). It's okay to err on the side of caution. In fact, it's a really good idea to call, if you have any doubt at all.Teenagers can get in over their heads really fast. It's alarming how quickly they can get into real trouble. They are more impulsive, while being less able to think long-range and problem solve, than adults. Teens can suffer from anxiety disorders, depression, addiction and serious anger management problems, just like adults. When this happens, teens really need help. If you're a parent and this is happening with your child, you probably need some help, too. These are complicated scary problems. It's important to have a person with professional psychological training assist you. There's a lot at stake. Things can get better, with the right guidance.Please, act quickly, if you notice any of the Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble. If you aren't sure, or have any questions, you can call me: Kristin Perry, MFT at: 760-978-6071. If you can't reach me and think it might be serious, please, call 911.A little rebellion is normal teenage stuff. A little moodiness is normal teen emotion. Being kinda bratty is normal teenager behavior. Raising a teen is tricky. An adolescent's process of becoming independent can be quite hard on everyone concerned. They're a little bit prickly, sometimes. Counseling can help with these normal developmental issues, too. Teen therapy can improve family relationships, communication and coping skills. Counseling can help get things back on the right track. It can also save your kid's life.Whatever your particular situation, I wish you much luck, love and peace as you care for your family.Take care!Kristin Perry, MFTKristin's Comfy Couch Family Counseling760-978-6071

An explanation that debunks the "socially clueless" narrative

Image: Unsplash/Flash

Gifted folks are often stereotyped as interpersonally clueless.

Film and media portrayals of socially inept characters — the Sheldons and Sherlocks — are pervasive. Cognitively gifted children and adults are pigeonholed as necessarily lacking in EQ (shorthand for emotional quotient, a popular term for emotional intelligence).

But these stereotypes are far from the truth.

In real life, there is no scorecard that tallies up and evenly distributes abilities… where cognitive strengths must be counterbalanced by social deficits.

And what sometimes seems like a deficit is often linked to hidden strengths, as described below.

Beyond stereotypes

The stereotype of the socially inept gifted child is narrow and misleading.

Yes, of course, some gifted children feel ill-equipped (or disinclined) to navigate the social climate. And asynchronous development (where social maturity sometimes lags behind intellect) can delay acquisition of social skills.

And yes, many gifted children and adults don’t fit the norm. They eschew social niceties, mingling at parties, or boring conversations. They question social rules and expectations. They prefer immersion in what interests them most rather than chasing acceptance from the popular crowd.

Despite their atypical approach to social expectations, gifted folks are keenly aware of the social world — actively observing, empathizing, absorbing, and emotionally reacting to what’s happening around them.

In fact, recent research suggests that a gifted person’s heightened sensitivity, cognitive complexity, and compassionate attunement to the suffering of others are signs of a high EQ.

And empathy is the key.

The empathy effect

Empathy (the capacity to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand their experience) is emblematic among the gifted. Even when it is not always obvious.

Consider the following:

· What if social differences among the gifted — the non-conformity, the introversion, the discomfort when tasked with superficial conversation, the sheer refusal to engage in meaningless banter — were linked with profound empathic attunement to others?

· What if sadness over a wounded animal or refusal to join the popular crowd (because they bully others) or an aversion to violent movie scenes were all tied to deep compassion for those who suffer?

· What if their anxiety and obsessive worries, a capacity to envision potential harm, and despair over injustice and politics and climate change keep them up at night and leave little room to care about social norms or others’ expectations?

· What if they are already hooked on creative immersion in what matters most, intent on finding their “flow,” and cannot be bothered with rote learning, seemingly pointless conversation, or rigid rules?

· What if their nervous system seems like it is on fire, leaving them simultaneously activated and exhausted from heightened sensations and worries and way too much compassion for the world’s suffering?

If your nervous system worked this way (and if you’re reading this, perhaps you know that it does!), you might feel depleted, too. You might need to withdraw from mandatory social events, retreat to your comfort zone, and limit socializing to those few, dear friends who truly understand.

In fact, your child’s withdrawal from others may be a protective maneuver in response to an overloaded nervous system — not an aversion to socializing.

Your gifted friend’s seeming aloofness may not stem from a lack of caring, but instead, from inaction due to a fear of saying the wrong thing.

Your spouse’s need to retreat in the evening may be a recovery tactic to cope with exhaustion after a day spent absorbing others’ emotions and processing so much about the world around them.

Giftedness, empathy, heightened reactivity, and “internal wiring”

Research findings (and common sense) recognize that an emotionally supportive, academically challenging, and highly resourced environment are essential ingredients for how a gifted child’s cognitive abilities are expressed.

But a child’s internal wiring is not as readily modifiable.

And empathy is part of that wiring.

Even when raised in a supportive environment that cushions the blow of real world challenges, emotionally gifted children still process experiences through a lens of depth and intensity — absent the self-blame and shame that arises if their sensitivity is mocked or criticized.

And recent research offers a window into this internal experience among the gifted.

Heightened sensitivity among the gifted is linked to neurological differences in “mirror neurons” found on fMRI and EEG studies, wrote counselor and Tel Aviv University professor emerita, Hanna David in a summary of recent studies:

“Mirror neurons are brain cells that are activated both when performing an action and when observing someone else performing it. They enable understanding, empathy, and social learning. They reflect the actions of others and help decode intentions and emotions (such as pain or joy) through automatic mental simulation, thus forming the basis for human communication and imitation. They also enhance learning, which occurs to a large extent through imitation, by “lighting up” when we observe another person’s actions or emotions.”

Recent research on the “hyperactivity” of mirror neurons — also known as hypermirroring — focuses on both misophonia (a sensory-emotional condition that is often expressed as aversion to certain sounds) and emotional giftedness tied to exceptional empathy.

The concept of hypermirroring, according to David, is a neurological term that describes how some people react to the “actions, sounds, or emotions of others with much higher intensity than what is considered ‘normal,’’’ and leads to “deeper emotional connection and intense, rapid learning.”

Emotionally gifted folks may possess heightened empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and a need for time alone to recharge, but also crave social connection.

Contrary to the clueless, socially averse prototype, the gifted are often highly attuned to what they observe in others, actively seek out relationships, and thrive among like-minded peers.

Strengths and drawbacks of hyper-empathy

David points out that highly empathetic gifted folks can experience exhaustion and emotional overload, including physical and emotional reactions.

Whether witnessing another person’s (or animal’s) suffering, reacting to violence in film or the news, or neglecting their own needs so they can care for others, emotionally gifted people experience powerful reactions:

“When a gifted person has overactive mirror neurons, they may be highly aware of themselves, their needs, and desires, and understand them well — but at the same time, they can not only understand others but actually feel them and identify with them deeply.”

“Hyper-empathy can get extreme,” acknowledged clinical psychologist and giftedness and misophonia expert, Heidi Lack, PhD, ATR-BC in an interview for this article. It “floods the individual with incoming data that places a burdensome demand to simultaneously filter, discern, and navigate, while attempting to attune to and manage their own emotional intensities.”

Lack described how hyper-empathy can “amplify the incoherence felt when social norms are perceived as dissonant with one’s nervous system’s sensitivity, emotion regulation needs, or one’s ethics.” And ethical conflicts may arise when faced with a “complex social world that prioritizes similarity over individuality, power and loyalty over empathy.”

“Sudden, disruptive and confusing empathic experiences, such as experienced by many with misophonia,” according to Lack, “may be interpreted by our brain-body as a threat, generate discomfort, and shatter our sense of coherence.”

At times, though hyper-empathy has its perks.

Attuned awareness contributes to a deep understanding of others that affects all areas of life. David points out that this capacity typically arises at a young age and has advantages in both friendships and work settings.

It’s not just the poets and philosophers and visionaries. Empathy supercharges awareness among business leaders, veterinary technicians, city planners, store clerks, medical professionals, sports coaches, parents, and teachers, to name only a few.

And Lack highlights how empathic attunement, under the right conditions, is a joyful, meaningful experience that enhances social interactions. “Harmonic empathy is experienced as positive, amplifying our sense of self in relation to the other and feelings of being in greater connection to them.”

Empathy is key to feeling understood, heard, accepted, and appreciated — the essential ingredients of any successful relationship or collaborative endeavor.

What you can do

Hyper-empathy can be a lot.

It falls on parents, teachers, and the entire community to understand that emotionally gifted children and teens experience the world with exceptional intensity.

You can’t talk a child out of their sensitivity or their deep well of empathy. Criticism or attempts to cajole them to toughen up will typically backfire and infuse a sense of shame.

They need support, understanding, and guidance to learn how to manage such “big” feelings. In a sense, they must learn how to lower the volume on their emotional dial (like a radio) when reactions become overwhelming.

Helping them find friend groups where others “get them,” encouraging down time to recharge their energies, and training in mindfulness, self-regulation and calming strategies allow them to function in the real world without as much distress (more on coping strategies in a future article).

And of course, providing a learning environment where it’s both safe to be smart and empathetic attunement is essential.

With support, gifted children and adults (and their parents and teachers) can develop the resilience to weather crises as well as day-to-day encounters that tug on their hearts. But the first step requires greater acceptance and an understanding of how hyper-empathy permeates their sense of self and colors how they relate to the world around them.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.