Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble It can be terrifying when you see a sudden change in your teen and don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, you may wonder: "What's normal?" "Am I making too much of this?" "Does she just want attention?" "Am I really the only parent who has a problem with this?" "Am I too hard on him?"The fact that you're asking these questions shows excellent parenting radar and a real concern for your child. While this list is not exhaustive, it's a solid start. It captures many of the problems I see come up in teen therapy. If any of the things listed below are happening with your kid, you're not making too much of it. It isn't about attention. You're right to be worried. Your child needs help, right away!Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble:1. Sudden negative change in peer group, friends they are not willing to introduce2. Social Isolation3. Bullying: either being the perpetrator or the victim of abuse is a concern and requires help.4. Self-harm: cutting, picking, burning, self-starvation, or high risk sexual behavior. If you notice a sudden dramatic weight loss, see any unexplained marks or scars, or if your child suddenly starts wearing long sleeves or more concealing clothing, look more closely. Ask questions. Get help!5. Any break-up with a best friend or first love that is being taken particularly hard: excessive crying, expressing feelings of hopelessness, or obsessive thinking, talking, or social media mentions about the loss are significant signs there's a problem.6. Substance abuse7. Falling or failing grades8. Dramatic change in appearance or lack of interest in basic grooming, extreme irritability or aggression, crying, expressing feelings of numbness and disconnection, change in appetite, or sleep pattern are all signs of DEPRESSION, and should be taken seriously.9. Lying or secretive behavior10. Expressing ANY thoughts of suicide: verbally, by gesture, or in writing The need for help is URGENT: if your teenager has a specific plan for how to commit suicide, access to the means of self-harm they describe, or an expression of intent to actually do it.If your kid starts giving away emotionally significant items, seem to be trying to tie up loose ends, or say "goodbye" to anyone, these are also RED FLAGS. If you see this behavior. or you have any doubts, get help immediately. Go to your nearest emergency room, call 911, or call the police Psychological Emergency Response Team (PERT). It's okay to err on the side of caution. In fact, it's a really good idea to call, if you have any doubt at all.Teenagers can get in over their heads really fast. It's alarming how quickly they can get into real trouble. They are more impulsive, while being less able to think long-range and problem solve, than adults. Teens can suffer from anxiety disorders, depression, addiction and serious anger management problems, just like adults. When this happens, teens really need help. If you're a parent and this is happening with your child, you probably need some help, too. These are complicated scary problems. It's important to have a person with professional psychological training assist you. There's a lot at stake. Things can get better, with the right guidance.Please, act quickly, if you notice any of the Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble. If you aren't sure, or have any questions, you can call me: Kristin Perry, MFT at: 760-978-6071. If you can't reach me and think it might be serious, please, call 911.A little rebellion is normal teenage stuff. A little moodiness is normal teen emotion. Being kinda bratty is normal teenager behavior. Raising a teen is tricky. An adolescent's process of becoming independent can be quite hard on everyone concerned. They're a little bit prickly, sometimes. Counseling can help with these normal developmental issues, too. Teen therapy can improve family relationships, communication and coping skills. Counseling can help get things back on the right track. It can also save your kid's life.Whatever your particular situation, I wish you much luck, love and peace as you care for your family.Take care!Kristin Perry, MFTKristin's Comfy Couch Family Counseling760-978-6071

How parents can intervene to prevent harmImage: Pexels/Pavil Danilyuk

Raised in a family of professional musicians, my interest in music came naturally. I took to the piano like the proverbial “fish to water,” and practiced daily with a ferocious drive. No pushing or prodding was necessary.

But then, my interest faded.

My inertia stemmed from several factors: I stopped loving classical music, never felt comfortable with competition or the spotlight, and found that performances were a miserably anxious experience.

What sealed the deal, though was my sense of differentness from my peers. I hated being known as “the pianist” and cringed when adults automatically assumed my career path was set. As I progressed through my teen years, only my closest friends knew of my talent — hidden from others like a shameful secret.

Labeling, lack of attunement, and potential harm

What happened to me occurs routinely when children are labeled.

While often found among families with multiple children (he’s the smart one; she’s the athletic one), labeling is pervasive in a culture where little nuance is afforded toward each child’s unique and complex needs.

Once children engage with their peers — whether in school, the playground, or through organized activities — their talents, capabilities, and struggles become readily apparent, referenced through comparison with others.

Labels are commonplace, since categorizing complex information often feels good, making meaning out of what is messy and confusing. Labels also create a sense of identity and a connection to what we value most. We are members of families and nationalities and cultures, and personal identification with these defining categories can instill a fierce allegiance to political parties, religious doctrine, or even local sports teams.

Unfortunately, labels can minimize, devalue, and inaccurately pigeonhole others, creating damaging stereotypes.

The same stereotypes and prejudices held toward others can also influence our self-perceptions, both positive and negative.

How labels affect children

Labels create a sense of self-definition for children; vulnerable and impressionable, they believe what adults or other children say about them. Casual comments about their personality or appearance or flaws become entrenched in their psyche.

Labels frequently follow a student throughout school, passed on from teacher to teacher, affecting their expectations of said child. In fact, many adults still reel from memories of harsh, condescending (and sometimes untrue) words spoken with impatience by an authority figure.

Clients in my clinical psychotherapy practice often cling to childhood messages that have defined their sense of self, despite evidence to the contrary. They may perceive certain abilities or struggles as “fact,” rather than accept that they have either outgrown such labels, or that the labels were inaccurate from the start.

Thomas* (whose name is changed to protect his confidentiality) was seen as the “funny one” in his family and felt he could never compare with his extremely bright older brother. Despite good grades and a starring role in the school play, he still harbored doubts about himself and assumed he was an imposter, merely fooling others.

As the “older” sister in her family, Sue* assumed responsibility for her younger sister’s welfare… and continued to overfunction in her relationships as an adult. Yet, Sue’s “younger” sister was her twin; they were born 10 minutes apart! The label of older sister stuck, with little regard for the fact that they were the same age.

Challenging and moving beyond labels can be transformative, but also evoke feelings of anger, sadness, or ambivalence (tied to family loyalty or community). Many adults bemoan lost opportunities because they followed a family-prescribed path or doubted their abilities.

How can parents protect their children from harmful labels?

1. Pay attention to how you comment about your child’s strengths and struggles. If you describe a behavior as a global trait, they are more likely to adopt the label for themselves.

Instead of saying “you’re so lazy,” try “I see that you have a hard time remembering to put your dishes in the sink.” Rather than, “you’re so smart; you’re our shining star,” try “it’s great to see how you tackle homework and do so well.” Instead of “you’re so shy,” try “going to a party can feel scary, but let’s figure out the social skills that will help you feel more comfortable.”

Think: behavior and actions rather than defining traits.

2. Help your child challenge labels they receive from others. Encourage them to brainstorm why said child or adult called them a particular name. Were they having a bad day? Were they “projecting” their upset about something at home onto them?

Let your child know that the other person was out of line; they might not like the child’s behavior, but they have no authority to label and define them. Even if the the trait is positive — amazing athlete, smartest kid in the class, or in my case, a talented musician — it can create pressure to perform, to achieve perfection, and to always fit the label.

Of course, problematic behavior needs to be addressed. But without trait-based labels, children have a better chance of changing their behavior.

3. Point out that we all have differences, loyalties, preferences, and attachments to things that matter. Your child might be a huge New York Knicks fan, but they can still be friends with someone who loves the Boston Celtics. They might feel proud of their artistic talent; that doesn’t mean they must pursue art as a career.

Help them disentangle what they admire, identify with, and how they perceive themselves from who they are, in all of their wonderful, nuanced complexity.

My musical talent never materialized into a career; I lacked the temperament, passion, and perfectionistic drive necessary for such challenging work.

Music is still an essential part of who I am — it just doesn’t define me.

Don’t let labels constrain, limit, and define you or your child. Pay attention to behaviors, actions, propensities, passions, and drive, but steer clear of all-encompassing, restrictive labels.

*All names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.