Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble It can be terrifying when you see a sudden change in your teen and don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, you may wonder: "What's normal?" "Am I making too much of this?" "Does she just want attention?" "Am I really the only parent who has a problem with this?" "Am I too hard on him?"The fact that you're asking these questions shows excellent parenting radar and a real concern for your child. While this list is not exhaustive, it's a solid start. It captures many of the problems I see come up in teen therapy. If any of the things listed below are happening with your kid, you're not making too much of it. It isn't about attention. You're right to be worried. Your child needs help, right away!Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble:1. Sudden negative change in peer group, friends they are not willing to introduce2. Social Isolation3. Bullying: either being the perpetrator or the victim of abuse is a concern and requires help.4. Self-harm: cutting, picking, burning, self-starvation, or high risk sexual behavior. If you notice a sudden dramatic weight loss, see any unexplained marks or scars, or if your child suddenly starts wearing long sleeves or more concealing clothing, look more closely. Ask questions. Get help!5. Any break-up with a best friend or first love that is being taken particularly hard: excessive crying, expressing feelings of hopelessness, or obsessive thinking, talking, or social media mentions about the loss are significant signs there's a problem.6. Substance abuse7. Falling or failing grades8. Dramatic change in appearance or lack of interest in basic grooming, extreme irritability or aggression, crying, expressing feelings of numbness and disconnection, change in appetite, or sleep pattern are all signs of DEPRESSION, and should be taken seriously.9. Lying or secretive behavior10. Expressing ANY thoughts of suicide: verbally, by gesture, or in writing The need for help is URGENT: if your teenager has a specific plan for how to commit suicide, access to the means of self-harm they describe, or an expression of intent to actually do it.If your kid starts giving away emotionally significant items, seem to be trying to tie up loose ends, or say "goodbye" to anyone, these are also RED FLAGS. If you see this behavior. or you have any doubts, get help immediately. Go to your nearest emergency room, call 911, or call the police Psychological Emergency Response Team (PERT). It's okay to err on the side of caution. In fact, it's a really good idea to call, if you have any doubt at all.Teenagers can get in over their heads really fast. It's alarming how quickly they can get into real trouble. They are more impulsive, while being less able to think long-range and problem solve, than adults. Teens can suffer from anxiety disorders, depression, addiction and serious anger management problems, just like adults. When this happens, teens really need help. If you're a parent and this is happening with your child, you probably need some help, too. These are complicated scary problems. It's important to have a person with professional psychological training assist you. There's a lot at stake. Things can get better, with the right guidance.Please, act quickly, if you notice any of the Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble. If you aren't sure, or have any questions, you can call me: Kristin Perry, MFT at: 760-978-6071. If you can't reach me and think it might be serious, please, call 911.A little rebellion is normal teenage stuff. A little moodiness is normal teen emotion. Being kinda bratty is normal teenager behavior. Raising a teen is tricky. An adolescent's process of becoming independent can be quite hard on everyone concerned. They're a little bit prickly, sometimes. Counseling can help with these normal developmental issues, too. Teen therapy can improve family relationships, communication and coping skills. Counseling can help get things back on the right track. It can also save your kid's life.Whatever your particular situation, I wish you much luck, love and peace as you care for your family.Take care!Kristin Perry, MFTKristin's Comfy Couch Family Counseling760-978-6071

Photo: The author/Lehigh University Student Center

 It’s college visitation season right now.

As a parent, some of my most beloved road trips involved college visits, where my sons and I compared notes, and often (surprisingly) had quite similar perspectives on what we observed.

Some visits were eye-opening. One of my sons had little interest in a college that (to me) seemed like an amazing school. On a tour of New England colleges, I convinced him to visit said college…and he loved it! In fact, he ended up attending the school a year later (tip: sometimes parents know their kids pretty darn well, and sense what college might be a good fit!).

Other times, we fled the scene.

On one visit, we were surprised to find a nun, in full black religious habit, greeting visitors at the information session. While she was very welcoming and kind, her presence sent a clear visceral message that anyone who wasn’t Catholic might not quite fit in, despite website claims to the contrary.

As a psychologist, I have heard stories from countless teens and their families about their reassuring/disappointing/funny college visits. Both parents and their children learned a lot about what is most meaningful beyond the glitter and the school’s marketing strategies.

College visitation advice that misses the mark

Conventional wisdom found online sometimes conveys unhelpful or useless advice, and may not be particularly relevant to your child’s unique needs. Often, the most essential information is unavailable, creating false impressions and inaccurate takeaways. These suggestions are particularly relevant for families of gifted children. Keep this in mind on your visits, and consider avoiding these “worst” college visitation tips:

Bad tip #1: Skip the information session

Some online advice suggests skipping the information sessions in favor of the tour. Although info sessions can seem redundant when they cover facts already listed on the college website, they still provide a window into the school’s values, priorities, and admission criteria…especially if you listen carefully and read between the lines.

Pay attention to the overt and subtle messages conveyed by the speaker, whether they are welcoming or seem annoyed by questions, and if the information is clear and relevant or more like a pep rally full of stats about sports teams and famous alumni.

Even if the information conveyed is vague and filled with fluff, you may pick up useful gems about the college’s general attitudes about education that may play a critical role in the decision-making process.

Bad tip #2: Stick to the tour

College tours can be deceiving.

Tours are designed to impress and to cover presumably appealing highlights about the campus — college landmarks, beautiful buildings, the library, a new gymnasium — but may not provide the information you and your child need. On one tour, we were ushered into a gorgeous cathedral filled with soaring rafters and sparkling stained glass. However, it was highly unlikely that my son would spend any time there as a student!

After the official tour ends, go on a tour of your own. Visit buildings you and your teen would like to see. If your child knows their potential major, visit the building where it’s housed. This is especially important with hands-on majors, such as art, music, theatre, engineering, and the sciences. Go to an extracurricular activity they plan to join. If they are an athlete, an actor, or a musician, for example, encourage them to visit the venues where they will be spending their time…and if possible, attend a sports game or concert.

Bad tip #3: Listen to your tour guide

Too many families overvalue the advice from tour guides during college visits. They rave about their ability to walk backwards, pepper them with “trick” questions about what really happens at campus parties, and expect truthful answers about problems at the school. Some even eliminate a college from their list because of a disappointing tour. Keep in mind, though, that most tour guides are 20-year-old students in work study jobs. You might obtain a snippet of inside information, but it is colored by the guide’s perspective or censored so they won’t get fired from their job.

Rather than expecting so much from these student guides, use the tour to notice the surroundings, buildings, current students, and those visiting on the tour along with you — who may end up as your child’s classmates. Does the campus and student body seem like a good fit for your child?

Bad tip #4: Pay attention to the dorm visit

Most families look forward to visiting a dorm room during their tour… tape measure in hand. While this can be informative, what you observe is only one of the many dorms on campus, and may not be representative of where your child will live. Instead, you might learn more from online campus tours and dorm room floor plans.

Similarly, eating in the dining hall may provide some perspective about whether the food seems edible, but one meal alone will not adequately reflect the quality of the dining services. What may be more beneficial while you’re there, though, is observing interactions among students, how quickly they can navigate the dining hall to access a meal, the variety of available foods, and options for dietary accommodations, if needed.

Bad tip #5: Sitting in on a class is a waste of time

Some people advise against sitting in on classes, since your teen might encounter a professor on a bad day, or one with a less than engaging teaching style. Nevertheless, your child can learn a lot from class attendance. They can witness the pace and complexity of instruction, picture themselves in the room as a college student, and determine whether the class is much too easy, just about right, or way too hard. They can see how professors interact with students, whether they encourage class participation, or merely lecture to them. They can view how engaged students are, whether they offer their ideas, or remain disinterested and glued to their phones.

If the college doesn’t provide a list of classes that your child can visit, suggest that they contact the school for more information about how to sit in on a class of interest. Often, contacting the department of their intended major can connect them with a professor who would welcome them for a visit. And observing several different classes is ideal, especially if visiting the college after acceptance.

Bad tip #6: Your child should decide where you visit

Your child certainly needs to make the final decision when choosing where to attend college. But sometimes, teens can discount certain colleges based on false impressions and biases and end up eliminating viable options (as I mentioned above about our college visits). Some teens are set on specific colleges because of prestige, its status as a party school, or whether or not Greek life predominates the social scene.

More relevant factors need to be considered, such as cost; financial aid; the school’s size and location (city, suburb, rural); distance from home; options for internships, research opportunities, or career placement; curriculum requirements; special accommodations (if needed); and diversity of the student population.

As their parent, you can also formulate a plan ahead of time, gently encourage visits to additional colleges not on their list, and challenge any initial misconceptions about these schools. Some high achieving students may set their sights on highly competitive “reach” schools and refuse to consider other choices. It is essential to include both academic and financial “safety” schools (where your child is likely to be admitted) and to have at least several realistic choices, since admission to your child’s dream school may not materialize.

Bottom line:

Get informed, learn as much as you can about colleges, recognize what your child needs — academically, socially, and emotionally — and use caution when following advice (even this article’s advice) found online. Visits aren’t for everyone… especially given travel costs. But if you have the time and money, a college visit can be an eye-opener…as well as a chance to bond with your child.

Recognize that most overworked guidance counselors may not have enough information to guide your child, and responsibility for the college search will fall on you. Be clear about costs, and let your child know if some schools are not affordable (before they set their sights on a college they can never attend).

Pay attention to your own personal needs, wishes, and fears, and try to separate these from what you consider the best course of action for your child. Remain available to offer suggestions, answer questions, and calm their nerves, but try to refrain from expressing too many opinions. Listen closely as your child shares whatever thoughts, impressions, excitement, or disappointments arise.

And enjoy this wonderful opportunity to share a unique experience with your child where together, you can envision their future!

Note: A version of this article was previously published on the Parenting Portal on Medium.