Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble It can be terrifying when you see a sudden change in your teen and don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, you may wonder: "What's normal?" "Am I making too much of this?" "Does she just want attention?" "Am I really the only parent who has a problem with this?" "Am I too hard on him?"The fact that you're asking these questions shows excellent parenting radar and a real concern for your child. While this list is not exhaustive, it's a solid start. It captures many of the problems I see come up in teen therapy. If any of the things listed below are happening with your kid, you're not making too much of it. It isn't about attention. You're right to be worried. Your child needs help, right away!Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble:1. Sudden negative change in peer group, friends they are not willing to introduce2. Social Isolation3. Bullying: either being the perpetrator or the victim of abuse is a concern and requires help.4. Self-harm: cutting, picking, burning, self-starvation, or high risk sexual behavior. If you notice a sudden dramatic weight loss, see any unexplained marks or scars, or if your child suddenly starts wearing long sleeves or more concealing clothing, look more closely. Ask questions. Get help!5. Any break-up with a best friend or first love that is being taken particularly hard: excessive crying, expressing feelings of hopelessness, or obsessive thinking, talking, or social media mentions about the loss are significant signs there's a problem.6. Substance abuse7. Falling or failing grades8. Dramatic change in appearance or lack of interest in basic grooming, extreme irritability or aggression, crying, expressing feelings of numbness and disconnection, change in appetite, or sleep pattern are all signs of DEPRESSION, and should be taken seriously.9. Lying or secretive behavior10. Expressing ANY thoughts of suicide: verbally, by gesture, or in writing The need for help is URGENT: if your teenager has a specific plan for how to commit suicide, access to the means of self-harm they describe, or an expression of intent to actually do it.If your kid starts giving away emotionally significant items, seem to be trying to tie up loose ends, or say "goodbye" to anyone, these are also RED FLAGS. If you see this behavior. or you have any doubts, get help immediately. Go to your nearest emergency room, call 911, or call the police Psychological Emergency Response Team (PERT). It's okay to err on the side of caution. In fact, it's a really good idea to call, if you have any doubt at all.Teenagers can get in over their heads really fast. It's alarming how quickly they can get into real trouble. They are more impulsive, while being less able to think long-range and problem solve, than adults. Teens can suffer from anxiety disorders, depression, addiction and serious anger management problems, just like adults. When this happens, teens really need help. If you're a parent and this is happening with your child, you probably need some help, too. These are complicated scary problems. It's important to have a person with professional psychological training assist you. There's a lot at stake. Things can get better, with the right guidance.Please, act quickly, if you notice any of the Top Ten Signs Your Teen is in Trouble. If you aren't sure, or have any questions, you can call me: Kristin Perry, MFT at: 760-978-6071. If you can't reach me and think it might be serious, please, call 911.A little rebellion is normal teenage stuff. A little moodiness is normal teen emotion. Being kinda bratty is normal teenager behavior. Raising a teen is tricky. An adolescent's process of becoming independent can be quite hard on everyone concerned. They're a little bit prickly, sometimes. Counseling can help with these normal developmental issues, too. Teen therapy can improve family relationships, communication and coping skills. Counseling can help get things back on the right track. It can also save your kid's life.Whatever your particular situation, I wish you much luck, love and peace as you care for your family.Take care!Kristin Perry, MFTKristin's Comfy Couch Family Counseling760-978-6071

What you learn from self-reflection can lead to greater connection

Gifted adults are pretty darned smart. But sometimes, that intelligence doesn’t translate into relationship savvy.

What gives?

As described in Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults, giftedness infuses a variety of intensities that can complicate matters for gifted people seeking romantic partners or when trying to express their needs in relationships.

Sometimes a tendency toward emotional reactivity, intensity, impatience, introversion or offbeat interests can create barriers and make life difficult for one’s partner.

Sometimes asynchronous development leads to a late start with forming relationships, so that connecting with a partner may seem awkward or overly complicated at first.

Sometimes insecurity or perfectionistic expectations about relationships or a driven, single-minded focus on work can create barriers to even finding a partner.

Gifted adults are also drawn to those with a similar IQ. Often the bottom line involves finding someone you can appreciate and respect, whose intellectual quickness, complexity, and intensity matches your own. However, this merger of gifted traits can complicate self-expression, conflict resolution, or even routine discussions.There is no quick fix for relationship conflicts. Every couple has their struggles, gifted or not. But self-awareness is critical and is the most important step toward improving any relationship.

These are a few key questions you and your partner might ask yourselves

The questions below can be helpful for anyone; you don’t have to be gifted to reflect on your relationship and relational needs!

As a gifted person, though, keep in mind how your intensity, active mind, and heightened sensitivities play a role.

You might use these questions as journal prompts or as topics to discuss with your partner, friends, or therapist. You might record them with your own voice and then listen to them while walking, commuting, or during spiritual or meditative reflection.

1. What relational needs, fears, and values affect my interactions?

What are my true needs in any relationship?

What do I value most, and what is most important to me?

What are my greatest fears?

What are points of compromise and acceptance when we disagree? What can I accept and live with and what is non-negotiable?

2. Am I responding to my partner based on what they are really saying?

Am I actually listening to what they are saying rather than thinking about formulating a defensive response?

Am I reacting based on my needs and fears?

Am I making interpretations based on any of the following:

assumptions regarding my partner’s motives or intentions

preconceived ideas about relationships based on my upbringing, film and social media portrayals of couples, or my friends’ opinions

assumptions based on past reactions from my partner rather than considering that they might be open to change

peer/family expectations and pressure

unresolved residue from unhappy relationships in the past

fear of loss, rejection, or criticism

a desire to have my partner make up for loss, insecurity, or hurtful experiences from childhood

3. What role do I play in any conflicts?

What is my role in creating or perpetuating conflict in my relationship?Do I have any expectations that my partner must compensate for negative childhood or relationship experiences? Am I assuming that my partner can alleviate all of my fears and insecurities?Are gifted traits, such as impatience, heightened sensitivities, intense reactivity, boredom with routine tasks, or existential depression affecting how I relate to my partner?How are my communications skills?

Am I communicating directly, honestly, and respectfully?

Am I avoiding use of derogatory, harsh, or disrespectful statements (or non-verbal behavior)?

Am I being clear, or are my interactions tinged with subtle (or not so subtle) motives or criticism?

Am I expressing myself before I feel overwhelmed with anger?

Am I using “I” statements to convey my personal experience, rather than pointing out all of my partner’s faults?

Am I willing to apologize when I am wrong?

4. How can I understand my partner’s needs more?

What do I know about my partner’s view of relationships, values, and communication? How does my partner’s family, upbringing, and personal values color their expectations about communication and how they express their needs?Is my partner able to communicate openly, or do they need time to open up? What are the best times, situations, and approaches for reaching my partner?

5. What can I do to improve my relationship?

What can I bring to the relationship that would improve it? Would it benefit from more openness, self-awareness, time together, time apart, shared interests, romantic or sexual intimacy, humor, or unconditional support?How can I show my partner that I respect, appreciate, and enjoy being with them, despite the daily and routine frustrations that occur in any relationship?Is there unresolved anger from a past experience that we need to address and forgive?

When you hit a roadblock

Most relationships run into problems at some point; the challenge involves addressing conflicts early and finding a solution before an entrenched pattern develops. Every couple is different and need to discover what will best resolve the impasse. That’s why most “quick fixes” just don’t work. But asking yourselves the above-mentioned questions, either individually or as a couple, is an important step toward uncovering the problem and finding a solution.

If you cannot work this through together, couples therapy is sometimes a useful option, where a licensed mental health professional can provide objective feedback that will improve your communications. If you are overlooking or excusing very real abusive behavior from your partner, though, your safety is essential. Please to seek mental health guidance or contact your local crisis line.

Learning more about patterns couples face can be found in several classic books about relationships listed below:Bernstein, J. & Magee, S. (2003). Why can’t you read my mind? Da Capo Press.

Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight. Little, Brown and Co.

A similar version of this article was also published on Substack.